Oh hey, it’s your Basic Batch. You know how some meetings could have been an email? Well, this episode could have been one too. I feel like we’ve been on a month long prequel to Tayshia’s season. We end Clare’s journey and watch her pick a husband faster than most Americans can pick a president. I don’t know about you but I’m ready to wrap up Clare’s season like a bike on Christmas morning. Let’s go over the highlights so we can put a bow on Clare’s “journey” (if we can even call it that) and never say the name Dale again? Cool? Let’s do this.
Episode 4 opens with the guys talking about, you guessed it, Clare and Dale. They’re all wondering what she’s thinking, what the hell is going on, and why they’re still here if she won’t give out a rose on the group date. She’s torn between “respecting the process” and “going for what she wants.” I’m wondering when this whole thing will be over.
In walks Chris, sent by the producers obvi. Chris comes in to have an “honest” one-on-one talk with her, and so far his botox is working wonders for his poker face. Seriously, it does not move. He asks her straight up if they talked before the show and she swears on her father’s grave she did not. Damn, Clare. That took a turn. You better not be lying, boo. Not even a little fib. He asks her what she wants to do. She and Chris agree that the show is over and she has just blown up The Bachelorette.
They cancel the cocktail party and rose ceremony and you can feel how sad the guys are. Dale on the other hand gets some “special” time with Clare one-on-one. She says “she’s taking a risk.” She’s says she’s “so in love with him” and he’s the “man of her dreams.” Did anyone remind her she’s known him for like, 5 minutes? AND ARE WE GOING TO PRETEND HER ENGAGEMENT WITH BENOIT DIDN’T HAPPEN? Serious question. If I roll my eyes any harder they’re going to get stuck in the back of my head. And get this, she tells him that her parents who were married for over 40 years, fell in love and got married in 3 weeks. Dale’s parents had a similar love story too. He tears up. She tears up. They kiss. Bachelor Nation is wondering what will happen.
She tells Dale how she feels. They confess their love. They dance. They kiss. They make out on her bed. (What?) We see them the next morning in bed under the covers (OMG WHAT?!?).
We’ve officially seen too much.
This has gone from cringey to just uncomfortable. It’s like we’re hostages on the Clare Express and all the vodka in the world (because wine isn’t strong enough) can’t make us unsee what we just saw. After watching two people morning-after cuddle and kiss under the covers, I’m super uncomfortable and ironically a little bit bored. Didn’t think it was possible to be both, but here we are. Bachelor Nation is now just along for the ride — just an uncomfortable third wheel on this super emo sex and cuddle date. We’re not sure if we’re watching the greatest love story ever told or a complete dumpster fire. If this is the dumpster fire we’ve been promised it’s the most boring dumpster fire ever... but there’s about 60 minutes left and this is The Bachelorette so I’m still hopeful things will pick up.
This truly is a season perfect for 2020. It might not be the season we wanted, but it’s the season we deserve.
Cue things picking up. Chris says it’s time for a proposal and it’s happening that night. I’m sorry, WHAAAAT? Now poor Dale is in a position where he is going to have to propose to her or…. OR.. I’m not exactly sure what happens. Do they both go home if he doesn’t propose? Do they both go home if he does propose? How does he pick out a ring? Can they even find and size a ring that fast? Where is Neil Lane? Is he hiding at La Quinta too with a suitcase full of diamonds? How is he able to get to Palm Springs so fast? I need answers. I repeat. Bachelor Nation needs answers.
But more importantly, what the hell will Dale do? I mean he’s known her for two minutes and now he has to propose in the lobby of La Quinta in the middle of a pandemic? What. Is. Happening.
I have issues with this and with ABC. Why are they so intent on hurrying this along and forcing an engagement? Why can’t they just send these two crazy kids home to date like normal humans? It seems rushed and not fair to either one of them. It’s so uncomfortable.
In short, Dale proposes. She says yes. Neil Lane comes through with the ring (and it’s huge). They look happy but for all of sitting at home on the couch, It feels slightly uncomfortable. We don’t exactly see what Clare sees. It could be the editing but it’s probably that we know they’ve known each other for a nanosecond. It’s like one minute he was looking for the bathroom and accidentally fell into her crotch and the next minute he’s telling her how much his mom would have loved her and getting down on one knee.
And don’t get me started on the remaining guys. Go on The Bachelorette they said. It’ll be fun they said. When Clare finally tells them she picks Dale, you can feel the energy drain from the room. It’s super hurtful and super sad. I genuinely feel for them and they do deserve better. They ask her to apologize for wasting their time. She does, kind of. Then asks for a group hug. Awkward AF. The guys are given a choice: They can go home or dress up and meet the new Bachelorette tonight. They have no clue who it is but for the most part, they show up excited to meet her.
Cue Tayshia (and hero music).
Some initial thoughts: Omg Tayshia stepping out of the limo: That hair. That makeup. Gasp. That dress!!!! She emerged like a Phoenix rising from the ashes of the dumpster fire that is the awkward love affair of Clare and Dale. I couldn’t be more here for it. She seems excited and genuinely here for the right reasons.
Next week starts her journey and Bachelor Nation is ready. We’ve been ready for weeks. I don’t know what Tayshia’s future holds, but I can’t wait for next week.
There are 16 guys left. My top picks for Tayshia are:
Well fam, we did it. See you next week.