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Who will win all 32 NCAA Tournament First Round games?

We’ll save you the trouble and tell you in advance who is going to win every game in the first round of the 2023 NCAA Tournament.

 Memphis Tigers guard Elijah McCadden and Houston Cougars forward Jarace Walker and forward J’Wan Roberts and guard Terrance Arceneaux battle for control of the ball during the second half at Dickies Arena. Jerome Miron-USA TODAY Sports

You can watch basically every college basketball for five months, dedicate your life to knowing everything about all the teams, or even have some inside information that will help you create your bracket.

And you’ll probably still finish behind Janice in accounting in the office pool who picks her winners based on where her friends from middle school chose to go to college.

This is the NCAA Tournament, which technically is a sporting competition, but actually hews something closer to controlled chaos. In the NBA teams play seven games against each other, so the better team often wins over that large a sample size.

But in a one-off college game with more parity of talent than ever, a three-point line so close even the seven-footers make them regularly, and referees being paid by the whistle to advance to the next round themselves, all you can do is make the most educated guess you can.

So that’s what we did here, making our picks for the entire first round of the 2023 NCAA Tournament. Don’t worry, we saved the craziest upset for last.

South Region

1 Alabama vs. 16 TAMU-CC/SEMO
8 Maryland vs. 9 West Virginia
5. San Diego State vs. 12. Charleston
4 Virginia vs. 13 Furman
6 Creighton vs. 11 NC State
3 Baylor vs. 14 UC-Santa Barbara
7 Missouri vs. 10 Utah State
2 Arizona vs. 15 Princeton

The best two double-digit seeds get thru here, and there’s a strong case for Charleston and Furman to be made as well. But the Cougars drew their nightmare matchup in San Diego State, as that’s a team that can actually compete with them on the glass unlike the CAA conference they punish via rebounding.

Furman can and likely will keep it close with a UVA side that played 19 teams in the Top 220 of college basketball this season, and won by double-digits exactly three times. The Hoos also beat No. 295 Louisville by three points. Basically it’s like never a bad idea to bet on a close game involving Virginia under Tony Bennett.

But the Cavaliers will hang on and advance somehow and someway, because that’s just what they do.

East Region

1 Purdue vs. 16 Texas Southern/FDU
8 Memphis vs. 9 Florida Atlantic
5 Duke vs. 12 Oral Roberts
4 Tennessee vs. 13 Louisiana
6 Kentucky vs. 11 Providence
3 Kansas State vs. 14 Montana State
7 Michigan State vs. 10 USC
2 Marquette vs. 15 Vermont

Some of the sketchiest resumes with bad losses are in this region as higher seeds. Memphis (lost to Tulane twice), Kentucky (lost to Vanderbilt twice, as well as South Carolina and Georgia), and Tennessee (lost to Colorado in Nashville) have so many red flags you should immediately swipe left if you see them on Bumble.

But while Tennessee can just out-athlete the Ragin’ Cajuns, both John Calipari’s previous and current team go down early. FAU and Providence are a pair of scrappy units that will bring it from the opening tip, and won’t play scared.

West Region

1 Kansas vs. 16 Howard
8 Arkansas vs. 9 Illinois
5 Saint Mary’s vs. 12 VCU
4 UConn vs. 13 Iona
6 TCU vs. 11 Arizona State/Nevada
3 Gonzaga vs. 14 Grand Canyon
7 Northwestern vs. 10 Boise State
2 UCLA vs. 15 UNC-Asheville

Saint Mary’s was the darling of everyone staying up until 1am on the east coast until teams figured out they really can’t break a basic full-court press. VCU is going to blitz them in the locker room, and won’t stop until they get back on the plane.

UConn was the No. 1 team via KenPom in December, and then lost five of six Big East games via increasingly creative methods of self-destruction. But the metrics still love them, and they hang on thanks to their rebounding edge on future conference opponent Rick Pitino and Iona, as Pitino coaches his last game before taking the St. John’s job (allegedly).

Grand Canyon caught a heater in Las Vegas for their conference tournament, having to play an extra game but still winning as the No. 5 seed. But Gonzaga won their league tourney in Vegas as well, and have finally started to look like the Zags of old in March.

Midwest Region

1 Houston vs. 16 Northern Kentucky
8 Iowa vs. 9 Auburn
5 Miami vs. 12 Drake
4 Indiana vs. 13 Kent State
6 Iowa State vs. 11 Mississippi State/Pitt
3 Xavier vs. 14 Kennesaw State
7 Texas A&M vs. 10 Penn State
2 Texas vs. 15 Colgate

Penn State is just the right team catching fire at the right time, and while Texas A&M will clobber them on the glass, the Lions won’t miss enough shots to go home after 40 minutes. They shoot 38.5% from three-point range, and they’ll be locked and loaded.

And speaking of three-point range: Colgate is No. 1 in America from downtown at a preposterous 40.9%. They might not get as clean looks as often as they do in the Patriot League against a Texas team that just won the toughest conference tournament in America in the Big 12, but they can still make it from the parking lot. They also return four senior starters off last year’s team that scared the bejeezus out of Wisconsin in the first round of March Madness.

No scaring this year, as the Raiders actually get it done and pull the biggest upset of 2023.